Thursday, 19 December, 2024
Confession: “LoveToBeAlone23” was how I named my Roblox account like, 6 years ago, when I was 12. Why? Because I’m a certified loner, I’d prefer to spend all my free time by myself, either going to places, or just 24/7 in my bat cave, playing games and spending 10 hours non-stop watching Youtube videos. Yea sometimes I still need some human interactions, like talking to my school friends, Discord mutuals,or just bothering my little brother, etc.
But still, being alone is how I charge my social battery. I never had a problem with it, I always enjoyed my time when I’m just with myself. But for some reason, I changed. One day, after the first semester ended, I came back to my home. Hoping that I could spend my free time like how I was. Playing games, reading all of my unread books, learning photography and graphic design, developing my personal website, and watching all the movies I’ve saved.
Day one, going smoothly. Day two, my mind started boggling. Day three, I couldn't stop checking Instagram and Twitter, waiting for “a certain someone”’s update. Day four, still the same. Open those apps, got a heartache, threw my phone away, tears dropped out, and forced myself to go to sleep, hoping that this day would end sooner.
To be honest, I’m tired of living like this. I missed my old-self. The time that I can actually focus on myself. I don’t want to be anxiously attached with someone, I don’t want to always hang out with friends just to fill up my mind so I wouldn’t think about him, just to make it happen not long after that.
I’m actually aware of the problem(s), it’s my anxious attachment. I’ve been trying to fix it, but I don’t know how long it takes for me to become how I was. Me, a person who’s been known for being selfish, loner and anti-romantic, is now stuck in an obscure relationship, and also simping over someone- that I’m not sure if he still has the same feeling with me, or not anymore.
Feeling the need for a person to stay by your side, someone to talk to, someone to lean on, someone to share my feelings with. I had all of that, until it all disappeared in one turn. It hurts. After all of that, now you expected me to stand all alone? I’m sorry Dz, you’re not that strong.
The second problem is that, I’m not feeling comfortable staying in my own house anymore. But yet, it's hard for me to go outside because I’m physically and mentally tired. Waking up in the morning feels like a burden. There’s no appetite, I only eat when my body starts shaking. I can’t focus on whatever task I’m doing. Even on something I always wanted to do, learning to use Adobe Photoshop. Everyday my body just want to rot on the bed, watching those stupid short contents. No fun, no sad, no mad, just numbness.
Now, I hate being alone. More precisely, I hate feeling lonely. I don’t know how long it takes for me to become how I was. I don’t know how to fix those problems, quickly. This kind of pain, I’m not sure if I could bear it longer than this.
Alright that’s it for tonight. I almost shed my tears writing this…
Dear my future self, I hope you can find happiness with yourself again.
And for anyone - that’s not myself - who’s reading this, thank you. This is my first blog that I share publicly. At first I wanted to make a blog that’s more entertaining and cheerful like, “my top 10 indie alternative pop I love!” or something like that but… Yeah I think you can understand why, after reading all of this…
Okay this actually it, once again, thank you for reading
and please, have a nice day!
- Dz, consumed by loneliness... -